March 14th Sacred Head & Steak
Reclaiming March 14 as Ritual, Not Obligation
So what is so significant about March 14, Ziakeya?
Let’s start here.
Every year, right after Valentine’s Day, something starts circulating online:
Steak and BJ Day
If you’ve never looked into it, here’s the short version.
Valentine’s Day is marketed as the day men go all out for women — flowers, dinner, romance, gifts. So sometime in the early 2000s internet era, Steak and BJ Day was created as the “men’s turn.”
You cook him a steak.
You perform fellatio, head, a BJ, that sloppy toppy lol… whatever y’all wanna call it.
Everybody laughs. Cute joke.
But let’s pause.
Because if we’re being honest, we already live in a world that centers men most of the time.
When people say “patriarchy,” they’re not talking about some abstract theory. They’re talking about a system that, historically and culturally, has prioritized men’s comfort, authority, and access — including access to women’s bodies… in this case our tongue, lips and mouths.
So when March 14 rolls around and the message is, “Ladies, it’s your duty,” I have questions.
Not judgment. Questions.
As someone who has a passion in sexual health and wellness as well as advocating for pleasure I’ve watched this holiday pop up every year. And as I’ve grown, I realized if I was going to participate in the conversation, I would do it in my space which allows me to talk about pleasure the way many of us actually experience it...in real life
So I renamed it.
Not to take the pleasure out of it.
But to put intention back into it.
Because pleasure, when shared between two people, was never meant to move in only one direction.
Reciprocity matters. Choice matters. Enthusiastic consent matters. And while sexual health education has given many of us the language and anatomy to understand pleasure, real experiences are what teach us how to practice it with care, curiosity, and respect for one another’s bodies.
So instead of treating March 14 like a one-sided obligation, I see it as an opportunity to turn intimacy into ritual.
A moment where nourishment and pleasure meet.
Where the steak is prepared with care.
Where the act of giving head is not about duty, but about skill, attentiveness, and mutual enjoyment.
Because when two people approach intimacy with education, curiosity, and reciprocity, something simple can become something sacred.
That’s why in my space, I call it Sacred Head & Steak.
Sacred Head & Steak
Not because it sounds prettier. Because intention changes everything. This perspective didn’t come from a textbook. It came from experience.
From relationships, moments of curiosity, and the quiet observations that happen when you begin paying attention to how pleasure actually moves between two people.
Over time, I realized that the most meaningful sexual experiences I’ve had were never about obligation or performance. They were about presence, attentiveness, and the willingness to learn someone’s body the same way you learn a craft.
And that realization is what eventually shaped the way I approach giving head today.
“Pleasure is not sacred when it’s pressured.”
My First Lessons Sucking Dick Were Not Empowered
I didn’t grow up understanding agency around oral pleasure.
I learned about male entitlement before I fully understood my own body. Had no clue what autonomy meant… look it up if you don’t either.
As young girl, I was exposed to male genitals in ways I didn’t understand and did not consent to. It wasn’t arousing. It wasn’t empowering. It was confusing and I always felt I had no choice… I just participated when told.
Later in life, there were moments where a man's hands guided my head closer than I wanted. As I write this I can vividly remember a mans hand cuffing the back of my head when he wanted his dick in my mouth. His hands controlled the motion, the rhythm, the flow. These were moments where I felt pressure to perform instead of freedom to choose. I didn't even know how to say no.
And for a long time, I thought that was just how it went. But as I started studying sexual health and pleasure, I had mentors that explained to me, those experiences I had were not how it was supposed to go.
Let me say this clearly: Pleasure is not sacred when it’s pressured. That realization reshaped everything for me.
Millennials, Let’s Be Honest
Where did most of us learn about oral sex? Health class? Probably not.
We learned from DVDs. From early websites. From clips passed around. From specific women of color whose names became synonymous with “skill.”
We watched choreography… I coined it… Dick Choreography
Fast. Dramatic. Performance-driven. Minimal breath. Minimal softness.
And we internalized it. We heard how much men enjoyed watching “Supa Head.”
Some of us tried to copy it. Some of us felt insecure about it. Some of us assumed that’s what “good head” looked like.
But that was a performance. Filmed. Edited. Designed for viewers.
Intimacy isn’t filmed. Intimacy is felt.
Performance says: impress me. Intimacy says: connect with me.
Performance says: prove stamina. Intimacy says: slow down and breathe.
We grew up confusing the two. Nobody really broke that down for us. Or I should say, nobody broke that down for me.
“Most of us didn’t learn oral sex from intimacy. We learned it from performance.”
Choice Changes the Energy
Here’s what I want you to understand: Oral pleasure is not “a man’s world.” Yes, culturally, men’s pleasure has often been centered. But women have a choice. And choice shifts the entire energy.
When I began setting standards — hygiene, pace, preparation, protection, my pleasure — everything changed.
If a man expects my mouth on his body, the least he can do is present his body clean, cared for, and worthy of the intimacy he’s asking for.
When I would CHOOSE to be sexually intimate with a man, head was also used as my way to examine his penis before he was ever given the opportunity to be invited into my body. I often found myself teaching men how to properly clean their genitals whether a intact penis or a circumcised one. Hygiene was a must before I ever made the choice to participate in this act. Cleanliness enhanced sensory pleasure for me.
I’ve learned over the years is that giving head isn’t just about pleasure—it can also be an intimate way to check in on a man’s sexual health. Certain things are visible to the eye like unusual bumps, sores, discoloration, foul odor, or discharge can be signs of infections like STIs, yeast infections, or bacterial imbalances. These visual cues don’t replace testing, of course, but they do allow a woman to make informed choices about her body and her pleasure. I didn't have paper record—like access to a “My Chart” like we do today. I can see what I need to know with my own eyes and instincts. That’s why care, cleanliness, and attention matter before intimacy ever begins.
Ladies, conduct your examination!!
Protection first. There were instances where condom use was a must. No condom. No head. No protection, no play.
“Oral pleasure is not a man’s world. Women have something powerful: choice.”
Over the years, I’ve had to speak clearly and stand on business with men about what giving oral pleasure truly means. I’ve had to advocate for my comfort — teaching them that my jaw deserves to relax, that lubrication is necessary and not the trash shit they preferred.
I demanded them to slow down and communicate. Their pleasure mattered yes but do not guide my head physically with your hands!
Communicate, use your words to express how you want to feel this experience then I will decide if I can deliver and if I want to participate. Because I have the choice.
Swallow or Spit: Your Choice
Giving head isn’t just about him—it’s about you. Semen can carry viruses or infections like HIV, hepatitis, gonorrhea, or chlamydia, and lifestyle factors like smoking, drinking, or poor diet can change its taste and smell. A bitter or sour taste can be a sign his body is under stress or not well, while a neutral or slightly sweet smell often signals better health—but remember, nothing replaces testing.
That’s why you get to decide: swallow, spit, or just enjoy the act. Your choice is part of consent, bodily autonomy, and pleasure. Paying attention to taste, smell, and texture doesn’t shame him—it helps you make informed decisions and fully enjoy the intimacy on your terms.
I've encountered situations where I had to put my foot down. You want me to swallow it… that’s my choice. Spit it out… my choice. Where on my body you explode… my choice.
And when it came to condom use I had to learn to speak on it with confidence. Sometimes I was even too afraid to ask due to my lack of skill in negotiating safe sex. I also had to stand on business and let them know I am not a porn star here to put on a show.
This isn’t about entertainment. It’s about intentional pleasure. Giving should feel joyful, empowered, and aware — not rushed or obligatory. I had to teach men that their pleasure is not just theirs — it’s a shared experience that works best when the giver is fully present, safe, and empowered.
“Giving should feel joyful, empowered, and aware — not rushed or obligatory.”
Over time, I reclaimed my voice and my power. Now, giving oral pleasure is not a transaction — it’s a conscious, powerful skill, rooted in choice, agency, and mutual enjoyment.
Where is the RECIPROCITY? Give attention to my body so I can be aroused. Touch me in ways I deserve. I will not be the giver that is always neglected. I had been the giver that was always neglected. I wasn’t rejecting pleasure. I was reclaiming it. Because sacred simply means intentional.
Listen, the glans on the head of a man’s penis contains thousands of nerve endings. Your lips have a million nerve endings so subtle rhythm matters more than speed. Breath regulates the nervous system. Eye contact changes vulnerability. Sacred Head isn’t about tricks. It’s about awareness. When you give from awareness instead of obligation, it feels different in your body. And if you choose not to give? That’s power too.
But What About the Steak and This Damn Holiday?
Listen — I love a good steak. Although I do not eat meat daily. The smell. The sizzle. Butter melting slowly over heat.
Steak isn’t just dinner—it’s part of the ritual. Discover how to prepare it with care, intention, and flavor in the Sacred Head & Steak Guide.
“Anticipation activates the brain more than the reward itself.”
Now let’s talk about dopamine. Dopamine is often called the “pleasure chemical,” but that’s only half true. It’s actually the anticipation chemical. It lights up when you expect something good is about to happen. When you smell something incredible. When you get a flirty text. When someone slowly unbuttons your shirt instead of rushing. That spark? That’s dopamine. It fuels motivation. It fuels desire. It makes you lean in.
Here’s the powerful part: Dopamine spikes more in anticipation than in the reward itself. The buildup is often more neurologically powerful than the act. That’s why foreplay matters. That’s why cooking together matters. That’s why shaving fresh truffle over warm food while locking eyes matters. You’re building anticipation. You’re activating the brain. You’re preparing the body to receive pleasure. When we rush straight to performance, we skip dopamine’s sweet spot. When we slow down — when we build scent, texture, laughter, tension — we let the nervous system open instead of brace. That’s sensual intelligence. That’s ritual.
This Is Bigger Than a Meme
March 14 can stay a joke. Or it can evolve. It can become: a practice of sensuality, a practice of choice, a practice where men unlearn entitlement, a practice where women reclaim voice or a practice where giving feels joyful — not obligatory
This isn’t about catering. It’s about co-creating. It’s about turning something performative into something embodied. Yeah, I’m all for Steak and BJ Day — everybody deserves to be celebrated. But here’s why I flipped the script and call it Sacred Head & Steak Day:
The genitals are sacred life-giving parts of us. Even if we’re just here for pleasure and not procreation, that space deserves respect, intention, and reverence.
This isn’t a game.
It’s not about performance or putting on a show. It’s about choice, presence, and real connection. So yes — enjoy, savor, and celebrate. But let’s do it with consciousness. With awareness. With joy. That’s what makes it sacred.
“This isn’t about performance. It’s about presence.”
Want to Go Deeper?
If you’re curious about going deeper — into consent, breathwork, sensual pacing, nervous system awareness, and intentional giving — I’ll be hosting a Sacred Head Workshop™ soon where we explore Sacred Head in depth. Not performance. Presence. Not obligation. Choice.
The Sacred Head workshop will be a small, guided experience. Limited seats. Intentional space. Real conversation. This is not a webinar. It’s for those ready to move from performance into awareness.
Join the Pleasure Digest mailing list to be notified when the workshop opens.